Despite reading about it in the news since early January, Covid-19 seemed some far off disease that wouldn’t ever reach us here in Europe. It’s seemingly inevitable slow march towards still felt unexpected. It’s arrival has been personally challenging.
I own a travel company. Exploring quirky new places, meeting new people, trying something different has always excited me. I left a secure career in the Civil Service for my new venture. Some people have called me stupid for doing this, others have said its cool and inspiring. To me, it’s always felt risky but also right at the same time. Life’s an adventure after all, right?
By late February/early March business conferences started postponing or cancelling their shows. My own plans to attend a travel industry conference in Berlin which were scuppered just one week before scheduled. Still, this seemed precautionary, apart from a few inconveniences here and there we wouldn’t be in a Wuhan like situation here in Europe.
Week beginning 9th March things seemed to be getting serious. Pressure from the press was building on the government to do something. I started to work from home more than usual, people were starting to get nervy but work still seemed to be carrying on as normal.
The third week of March progressed and it now seemed certain the country would be going into lockdown soon. Enquiries to my travel company had collapsed. I started to think about cancelling other planned tours we had all the way through to September, this seemed like an extreme move but i thought it best to be safe. Towards the end of the week i was hearing from customers, some were worried about their upcoming tours, others called to cancel. I decided to cancel all private tours pre-booked with us till the Autumn. This was the only way to offer clarity. It would prolong the start up phase of our company, and hit us hard financially but it was a move we had to make.
As always I buried the stress. Cancelled tours could give me extra time to plan ahead, i thought. Some time at home to rest would be lovely. Great time to catch up with some reading, watch movies, relax. I could blog, yeah, blogging was something i was interested in. I could use my blog as a journal for my days, write stories, and record new recipes I’d tried. It was all going to be okay.
By 23rd March most countries in Europe were under enforced lockdown. International travel had ceased almost overnight. Most work calls i made went unanswered, replies to emails came after days. Work had ground to a halt. Building work on my soon to be opening coffee/travel shop stopped. People were getting sick, an even greater number of people were dying. Society was shutting down, my world was clashing in, everything seemed to be coming apart. This wasn’t just some time to take a break to refocus, this was complete eradication of everything I had worked towards for the past 18 months. Starting a travel company now seemed like one of my life’s greatest screwups. I’d left a promising career in the Civil Service for what? All of a sudden there was nothing to show for it. Gone.
I entered a state of despair. All that work for what? Why? Already i had been ridden by anxiety that starting up my travel company has taken longer than i wanted. This is the last thing i needed. I was failure who would never amount to anything. My life is a joke, almost 29 and what do i have to show for it? I won’t succeed. I’m fucked, my life is fucked, i thought.
And so the week dragged. Initial enthusiasm to make the most of the lockdown had had been replaced by darkness. I was questioning everything. I cried. Overcome by the anxiety and stress i stopped doing anything rarely, spending much of my days staring into space. I was in a terrible place.
We’re now midway through April. It looks like we have at least another three weeks of the status quo. Not ideal. But that’s okay.
I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself, never really have. I constantly question and ponder over decisions for too long, being harsh on myself if things go wrong. It’s part of an inferiority complex that’s dogged me most of my life. Throughout my educational and professional life, even at home with friends and family, I’ve felt insecure.
Striving to impress others. Worried about doing something others might not like. Feeling consistently vexed by the perception that my life isn’t going anywhere or that my peers have surged ahead in life whilst I’m going nowhere. Not being good enough. Being thought off as stupid, a weirdo. When something good happens, i feel like an imposter. Like it doesn’t deserve to happen to me – I’m not good enough to be enjoying the good things I’ve worked so hard to achieve. All of these pressures have weighed me down heavily for as long as I remember, consuming my mind.
The inability to actually do some work has made me confront my problems head on.
Coronavirus has a lot of people press pause on their lives. For me it’s been a moment for some soul searching. Giving myself a break and just telling myself it’s okay, chill.
I made a couple life changing decisions that seemed radical but were definitely exciting. I followed a dream. Getting married, starting a new business, moving to a new country for that business were all huge changes. Especially when I’m constantly questioning myself. Maybe it was too much change too quickly. It’s probably what led to the slow start to my new career path. It definitely has thrown me far off course from where i envisaged my life would be by age 29. I feel okay about that.
I’m now in a much better place since the initial breakdown i went through a few weeks ago. I’m lucky to have a great partner and some really good friends. Both won’t know the extent of how I’ve felt, which to be honest feels scary. It also feels like I’m finally letting out. It feels good but also so scary.
I have list of both work and non work things i want to get through whilst at home. I know that everything will be fine. I think actually realising and understanding your thoughts is a big step towards fixing your weaknesses. I’m hoping to build some solid foundations over the next three weeks to do this.
I’m happy people will read this, I’m also petrified that I’m about to post it.
So far chasing that dream doesn’t seem to have paid off. But i know that it will. No ne said it would be easy. Life isn’t a race it’s a journey. Be happy with what you have along the way. That’s what I’m learning.
It’s taken a lot of energy and internal wrangling to publish this. Like i said many – even those close – won’t have known how I’ve felt. I hope publishing it leads to some good, because it’s so scary to talk so openly. Any messages of your thoughts would be great.
Caronalog 